What Potterheads wish you knew

SLOUGH, ENGLAND:

Pernickety Harry Potter fans who survived six films with a hipster doofus Dumbledore will have approached the news that John Lithgow will be Hogwarts’ newest headmaster with a pinch of salt.

Let us hastily note that it is not Lithgow himself who has necessitated this pinch of salt. The Crown, Dexter, and 3rd Rock from the Sun are enough to prove that any acting lessons the man may have taken in his youth have not been wasted. Although whether or not he can undo the memory of Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore bellowing at Harry about putting his name in the goblet of fire remains to be seen.

Of course, the hapless Gambon swishing about temperamentally in his hipster doofus robes is an easy target. However, we are wrong to hurl every ounce of blame at Gambon; the people who truly deserve our wrath are the ones who gave Gambon foolhardy directions alongside his copy of the script and upgraded Dumbledore’s wardrobe.

If we must play devil’s advocate, we should acknowledge that the surest way to make any filmmaker cry is to tell them their career depends on being as faithful to Rowling’s impossibly high word count as hardcore book fans demand. (You could probably break a foot with Order of the Phoenix alone if you were angry enough.) Which is why, of course, television is the least offensive onscreen medium when the word ‘adaptation’ is bandied about. As Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events has proved, a television show can appeal to the better nature of fans in ways films can only dream of. In this spirit of appreciating the potential of television, here are the things film fans have no idea exist in the Harry Potter universe if they have dutifully ignored the books.

Ginny does not tie shoes

Whilst it would have been impossible for any of the rotating Harry Potter directors to banish Ginny Weasley from the films the way they did Ron’s second eldest brother Charlie, no one can deny that they did everything within their power to strip her of any hint of a personality. When Film Ginny is not hovering in the background, she is kneeling down to tie Harry’s shoes. You would not catch Book Ginny stooping this low. She has far more brains than Film Ginny and wins Harry over with her flaming wit. She also has little patience for Harry’s bestie (her brother) Ron and finds it difficult to tolerate her eldest brother Bill’s fiancee Fleur Delacour, and expresses this by miming vomiting into her cereal at the sight of her – a sight that nearly causes an increasingly infatuated Harry to choke on his own breakfast.

Replicating any sort of inner monologue is tricky on camera, but nowhere in any of the books does Harry entertain visions of anyone fiddling with his shoes, either Ginny or anyone else, so quite why we were subjected to a nauseating shoe-tying incident is a mystery. Nor, whilst we are on the subject of invented visions, does Book Harry, unlike his film counterpart, ever yearn to slow dance with Hermione in a tent in Deathly Hallows. If book fans see this idiocy being replicated in the television series, we will riot. As Book Harry explains in earnest to a jealous Ron in book 7, Hermione is like his sister. Please, TV crew, do not include any pointless slow dancing scenes, or we may find ourselves breaking our TV with our copy of Deathly Hallows.

Peeves the poltergeist exists

Peeves the poltergeist serves no purpose in the books other than to make Hogwarts caretaker Argus Filch cry. Peeves spends his spare time (which is to say, all of his time) dirtying up freshly cleaned corridors and writing his own songs. As part of his service to Hogwarts, Peeves also sticks his tongue out at teachers, shatters valuable cabinets onto the floor (an act that causes a Slytherin student to go missing for several months a few years down the road) and makes up rude (and untrue) rhymes about Harry potentially opening the chamber of secrets in his second year and nearly killing students (complete with a dance routine.) He hurls water bombs at students willy-nilly and marks the end of Dark Lord Voldemort, the most feared wizard in all the land, by composing a poem including the words, “Old Voldy’s gone mouldy.” In a book series marked by murder and mayhem, Peeves is the beacon of light who, in a moment never forgotten by book fans, salutes Fred and George Weasley before their glorious Hogwarts exit and swears to give the reviled professor Dolores Umbridge “hell”.

In all fairness, Chris Columbus, who directed the first two films, allocated the part of Peeves to comedian Rik Mayall (also known as Lord Flashart/Robin Hood from the immortal Blackadder series). However, Mayall’s parts were cut without his knowledge after he had filmed them. If the TV series repeats such a travesty and deprives us of a rendition of ‘Old Voldy’s gone mouldy’, there will be questions.

Oliver Wood’s ambitions

One of the most exciting chapters in the entire series takes place in book 3, Prisoner of Azkaban, and it has nothing at all to do with Voldemort or any of the other mass murderers fixated on our hero. Instead, it involves the Quidditch final taking place between Gryffindor and Slytherin, with the atmosphere akin to a Pakistan-India cricket match. No one is more tense than the beloved Gryffindor Quidditch captain, Oliver Wood, who has been dreaming of this Quidditch glory ever since he first saw a broomstick.

Wood does exist in the films, but he is only there for his pretty face and linguistically intoxicating accent. Sadly, his manic Quidditch aspirations are ruthlessly cut. Film fans have no way of knowing that Book Oliver is a devoted, military-level Quidditch captain who holds practices come rain or shine, causing at least one of his team to mutter, “I haven’t been properly dry since August.” When his Seeker, Harry, is given the Ferrari of broomsticks, Wood waves aside the very real fear that an alleged serial killer may have sent it to him and encourages Harry to hold on to it so they can defeat their arch rivals, Slytherin, in the final. Fortunately, Wood gets his wish; after a few tense weeks, Professor McGonagall returns Harry’s shiny new broom, and after a nail-biting final, a sobbing Wood is able to lift the Quidditch cup with his teammates. Harry knows that at that moment, he would be able to produce the world’s best Patronus (a spell that relies on the strength of a happy memory). And we book fans? We weep along with Wood, feeling all the adrenaline of a rollercoaster ride, knowing that we Muggles too could probably drum up a Patronus if we tried hard enough.

So HBO filming crew, take note. We book fans want a Ginny we can get behind, a suitably rude Peeves, and an Oliver Wood to show us what true captaincy looks like. And, of course, a Dumbledore who does not bellow when asking goblet-related questions. It is not too much to ask.