In defence of teenagers

SLOUGH, ENGLAND:

Kids do not have a stellar reputation. Ask anyone who has ever boarded a plane with a teething baby or spearheaded an English literature class full of bored fifteen-year-olds.

However, as a parent, once you have traversed the haze of sleep deprivation and the repeated mountain of luggage every time you leave the house, a whole new world opens before you. Your bored teenager may drive that poor literature teacher to undiluted fury with their glazed expression, but that could have more to do with Macbeth and less to do with your child per se. As they grow all too quickly, the realisation will dawn upon you that your children are more than just beings you are biologically programmed to keep alive. Rather, they morph into people you would actually choose to hang out with.

Intelligent conversation

Having evolved from the days when they would stick a ‘why?’ at the end of every sentence you uttered, conversation with a teenager can be enriching and fulfilling, even if, perversely, you have no idea what they are saying. “Do you know what Beetlejuice is?” a teenager may ask you. You will at this point launch into an explanation of Beetlejuice the film and how it spawned the creatively named sequel Beetlejuice Beetlejuice last year. “No, no, no,” your teen will cut in with a weary sigh. “I meant the star? Betelgeuse? It’s the brightest star in Orion? It’s in the star app I downloaded?” If you have a child who chooses astronomy to showcase their superiority over your feeble mind, you can steal the credit for allowing them to download that star app in the first place, even if you had no idea how to spell Betelgeuse up until now.

Do not panic if you are now thinking your child also has no idea how to spell Betelgeuse; they will have hoarded other pieces of information in its place and will trot it out at every available moment to display their intellectual greatness. Spot a fashionable awkwardly shaped vintage car that is hell to park, and a car-obsessed teen will list its salient features as skilfully as any used car salesman, oblivious to the fact that you are wearing the same glassy-eyed look they have during those riveting lessons on Macbeth.

If nothing else, they also will help you mercilessly mock your other half when at the dinner table he interrupts a conversation about pop music to ask, “Who’s Billie Eilish?” After the stunned silence that will inevitably follow, your child will remind everyone that your other half also once had no idea who Ariana Grande is, and will kindly inform your spouse, “It’s a bit like not knowing what two plus two is.” To watch your children hone such wittiness gives birth to a glow of achievement you could never have imagined possible during the dark days when their TV diet consisted of Paw Patrol.

Independent homework

Parenting in the twenty-first century will have led to moments of hair-pulling when confronted with arithmetic homework. One of the rites of passage in this modern age of ours, you see, is that schools have come up with new long-winded methods of teaching young children multiplication that will sail right over your head. However, whilst you may still reasonably force them to learn their times tables your way, your hold over your kids will weaken as they climb up the school. There will come a point where you will realise that the last vestiges of organic chemistry or differentiation leaked out of your head many moons ago. Fortunately, by the time they are teenagers, your kids are smarter than you. Stick them in front of a helpful YouTuber who speaks their language, and all will be fine. The same also applies to the aforementioned Macbeth.

In addition, because a teenager is predisposed to showing off, it is especially helpful if they have younger siblings upon whom they can use the lines, “Do you know how to do simultaneous equations?” This will be a younger sibling who is hazy on the definition of both ‘simultaneous’ and ‘equations’, but that’s not a problem, because the older child’s intention is merely to show off, not educate. Such conversation may not be the hotbed of sibling love you had dreamy visions of when you started expanding your family, but at least it will reassure you that your child pays attention at school (or to the YouTube lessons.)

Helping around the house

Despite resorting to grunting as a form of communication, a teenager has the fine and gross motor skills required to peel potatoes, chop vegetables, wash dishes, put away laundry, and take out the garbage.

Do not harbour any delusions that this is easy for either you or them. It takes a seasoned parent to turn a blind eye to a teenager’s look of horror when laundry is dumped upon their shoulders. Have faith. Think of them as unpaid staff (because let’s face it, no one was paying you extra when you were chopping vegetables by yourself.) If you must introduce a regular payment structure such as a monthly allowance, you should know that teenagers are a lot more amenable to bribery than toddlers. The pain they cause in expense is made up for in results, which are far more acceptable than those produced by a toddler hell-bent on decanting folded laundry from a drawer. If you play your cards right, you can also train them to bring you coffee – a far cry from the days when you were trapped in an endless cycle of lukewarm beverages ping-ponging between the microwave and the kitchen counter.

A worthy TV companion

Great news for those of you who are primary caregivers. With careful subliminal messaging, you can cunningly steer your children’s film/TV/music choices in line with yours. This is especially helpful for those who, back in the day, failed to vet their spouse-to-be thoroughly regarding their entertainment choices. Perhaps you, a die-hard sitcom connoisseur, have been sentenced to a marriage with someone who will watch (literally) dark gore-infested shows that would give anyone with any sense nightmares for a month. Or worse, only sports.

Well, worry no more! By brainwashing your children via the medium of introducing them to your favourite films, one by one, you will be able to cultivate your very own TV-watching companion (or car-singing) who does not roll their eyes at you. Caution: do not leave this too late. A teenager (particularly a boy teenager) is biologically primed to be repelled by anything you recommend, whether it is a style of haircut or genre of music. Start at age 10 when they are old enough to understand free-flowing dialogue, but not old enough to parrot your other half and say, “I don’t understand how anyone can enjoy this meaningless trash.”